5 Simple Ways to Be Nicer to Yourself (Self-Compassion Matters)

Silence your inner critic and tap your inner kindness

Nov 11, 2024

The hardest thing…

One of the hardest things I witnessed as a counselor was clients beating themselves up for … well … everything!

Whether losing their temper with a family member, relapsing after a stressful moment, or forgetting to take a medication, there was a natural urge to be self-critical.

I think we can all relate to this on some level – no matter our path.

But one of the best parts of counseling was watching how others in a group setting surrounded that person with goodwill and compassion.

“It’s okay,” they would say. “This is a journey. You’re only human.”

That was real, folks. That was the stuff.

And it was one of the great privileges of my life to witness that.

A tale of two perspectives

Here’s what was so fascinating (and let me know if this sounds familiar): Clients often stood at the ready in group to provide compassion to others, but were hesitant to provide the same compassion to themselves.

I noticed this pattern group after group.

Someone who one week was a cheerleader for a group member in need was, the next week, reluctant to give themselves the same grace after a slip or relapse.

In other words, it seemed to be easier to show compassion for others, but harder to direct it inward.

Both matter.

So much of my counseling work and client dialogue centered around seeing a perceived mistake as just another link in the human chain we’re all bonded to.

We all fall short sometimes – but we can come back stronger.

What is compassion, and why does it matter?

Okay, so what is compassion? Well, there are a variety of definitions out there, but I found two that get the point across very well.

The first is an interesting five-parter from Clinical Psychology Review: Compassion consists of:

1. Recognizing suffering

2. Understanding the universality of human suffering

3. Feeling for the person suffering

4. Tolerating uncomfortable feelings, and

5. Motivation to act/acting to alleviate suffering

A simpler definition is: “The feeling that arises when you are confronted with another’s suffering and feel motivated to relieve that suffering.”

So, compassion has something to do with a recognition of another’s pain or struggle, and feeling like we want to help … to do something about it.

Self-compassion, then, is when we direct this feeling inward and apply it to ourselves.

Now, this isn’t just a feel-good post. There’s health benefits here.

According the NIH, self-compassion has been associated with:

Increased feelings of happiness and optimism
Increased curiosity and connectedness
Decreased anxiety and depression
Less rumination
Decreased fear of failure

But research benefits aside, doesn’t it just feel good to be kind, understanding, and less critical?

Turn that goodwill inward

Here’s the thing: We live in a world that demands a lot of perfection. We face expectations we can’t live up to, deadlines we can’t meet, etc., etc., etc.

The temptation to criticize ourselves is overwhelming. The opportunities to feel shame and guilt are endless.

But they are all reminders … motivators … to practice self-compassion. To recognize we all fall short and are imperfect, to acknowledge it, and to practice a little self-kindness.

Here’s five ways we can do it.

1. Do unto you as you’d do unto others. I twisted the Golden Rule around to make this point: If you naturally have compassion toward others, remind yourself daily to apply the same to yourself. Speak kindly to yourself as you would a good friend. Give yourself words of support. Treat yourself to something special. In short: Be nice to yourself.

2. Be mindful. Increasing moment-to-moment awareness and acceptance – without judgment – can help you get a better handle on how events may trigger you to self-criticism and blame. If you struggle to let go of certain difficult feelings – such as shame or guilt – mindfulness exercises can be a powerful ally. Start with these.

3. Journal. One of the best ways to find out how you’re feeling about yourself is to write about it. Processing difficult emotions and writing about the context around them can be so helpful, because it can get things out of your brain and into the open where you can question your assumptions and judgments about yourself.

4. Reframe. You make a mistake. Instead of jumping to self-criticism, train yourself to start with the lesson or the takeaway. See issues as opportunities. “That was a bummer. How do I stop that from happening again?” “That conversation didn’t go as I planned. How can I approach that person differently when we talk again?” “I’ll arrive 10 minutes early next time so I won’t be late.”

5. Get perspective. Take your age and multiply it by 4 trillion. That’s how many mistakes you’ve probably made. Me too. Now, realize the thing you’re beating yourself up for is just one grain of sand on the beach of life. Yeah, some blunders are bigger than others, but let’s be honest – most criticism comes from the small stuff. Keep it in perspective.

Self-compassion leads to compassion for others

Here’s the MtE tip: Be nice to yourself … and others

There’s a self-compassion mind trap: “If I’m nicer to myself, isn’t that sort of selfish? Shouldn’t I be focused on others?”

This way of thinking keeps us tied to destructive cycles that actually work against others. If we’re not there for ourselves, then can we really be there for others?

Keep in mind: Self-compassion leads to wellbeing and a greater sense of initiative, meaning we can actually be there more for others when we’re there for ourselves.

I used to tell my counseling clients to be the best and most understanding friends to themselves first. Then, take that friendship and support to others.

In other words: Model what you want to do for others on yourself first:

Be kind to yourself, be understanding to yourself; then
Be kind to others, be understanding to others

Rush in to soothe your own sore spots and support yourself as best you can.

Then, take that to the global group session and help someone else along their path.

How do you show yourself compassion? Let us know!

Mastering the Everyday

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